After all the time I have put into rebuilding myself, recovering from the past the hardest thing that remains is talking about it. To date I have not really talked to anyone about what I went through. I still find it difficult. I still hate the idea of talking it through with someone.
More than anything I worry that I’ll talk about it and start to feel ashamed of it again. I won’t feel like I’ve learned and grown, just that I’ve lived that terrible mistake.
The hardest part of talking about it is saying the reason I stayed for so long. Many of my friends and family know the moment that led to my decision to start climbing back out, but none really know the reason that moment really started me on my way out. It was the guilt. It was always the guilt.
The moment I realized I needed to get out, was the moment I realized that she had made me feel guilty above all else about ever choosing to leave. That moment was when she tried to pull the same kind of guilt trip that I had given into over and over again, on two of my close friends. I wouldn’t stand for it, and I wouldn’t have stood for her trying the same thing on my family. I had been made to feel guilty, and I wouldn’t let the people who I really cared about be made to feel the same way.
In this way she had already driven wedges between me and some of my friends and family. It was always the threats of her actions that kept me supporting her. She never threatened to hurt me, I would have never been afraid of her then. The threats started as what she would do to herself.
Still too difficult to talk about it,
The pain cuts deep and I feel like shit.
It brings tears to my eyes I choose to fight.
Hearing myself say it doesn’t feel right.
Still it’s shameful, I went through it all.
Hurt settles deep after such a hard fall.
To utter the words cuts like a knife.
Hard to speak of my former strife.
Still I fight the torture endured in my past,
The wound of it will unfortunately last.
This memory I struggle to put into speech,
A lesson I learned, I never wanted to preach.
Talking about it only brings it back,
A reminder of every single attack.